12.14.2011

Essentials in Civil Government: the preface

For the next who-knows-how-many days I will be posting an excerpt and quote from an old book I found in a musty box sitting on the warehouse floor of an antique shop. When I first opened the cover, something about the first page struck me as being totally obsolete and at the same time, so intriguing. Underneath the title, Essentials in Civil Government, were the words 'a text-book for use in schools'. Something about those words struck an odd chord in me, and I read on.
The book starts out with a preface that I believe to be amazing. This is a text-book first written in 1908. I wish the text-books of today were written with the same intent and purpose. (For legal purposes the book is no longer under copyright law and may be found on google books for reading.) Here is the opening paragraph:
"Of the whole number of pupils who can study Civil Government with profit more than nine-tenths are in the upper classes of the grammar schools and in the lower classes of the high schools. In these classes there are nearly two million young people who can be led into a just appreciation of the rights and duties of citizens. Here is a rich field for the sower, an opportunity vast in its proportions for improving the quality of American citizenship and elevating the American electorate."
The most important part of this paragraph being the last statement: "an opportunity vast in its proportions for improving the quality of American citizenship and elevating the American electorate."
Now we water down the quality, disparage the rights of citizenship, and tear down the American electorate. All out of a "sense of fairness and equality and preservation."
The best part comes at the end of the second paragraph, however, which says: "The primary aim of the book is to establish political ideals and to indoctrinate in notions of civic morality." Civic morality? The book just gets better.
I do want to note that on some subjects it is outdated, such as a woman's right to vote, though it never suggests that it would be wrong, just states the facts. By S. E. Foreman, PhD, it is one of the best two dollars I've ever spent.

--MovingGirl

12.10.2011

wow.  last time anything was written in here was July.  i miss a lot of things.  writing is one of them.  and i've been searching for a place to dump my "cerebral vomit" and i completely forgot about this blog.

so this is more for me than for anyone else.

i'm realizing a lot.  i'm selfish.  a lot more selfish than i thought.  i always thought i was a generous and giving and selfless person.  so i'm prideful too.  i'm being humbled.  and as i'm writing this i'm remembering a time i asked for this.  i literally asked for it.  and gosh it hurts.  and right now i'm struggling with my faith.  don't read that wrong.  that really means i don't have enough for what it seems God my have planned for michael and for me.  i get the idea telling lillian lauwers where i'm at would bring me some encouragement.  her husband had some similar experiences i think.  i need reassurance.  i'm scared out of my wits.  i'm broken and hurting.  i'm supposed to go through this forgiveness thing and i don't even really have the motivation or the emotional energy.  i'm scared to open up those wounds i've tried to ignore for so long.  and right now i just don't feel like God is near me.  i feel lonely.  lonely and scared are the two words to sum up everything i feel.  i know in my head he's there.  i want intimacy with him.  i'm so jealous of those around me who hear him so so clearly that they have no doubt and i have to strain to hear a little whisper that i'm not even sure if it's God or my own thoughts.  i'm exhausted.

i don't know what God has planned for michael and i but i'm scared about it, especially where i'm at not feeling close to God.

i suppose that's it for now.

i hope this blog picks back up, because it was beautiful.

5.23.2011

Tornadoes

Midwest got hit hard and many places are still under tornado watches, some with flash floods too...
If anyone has a few extra minutes to send up prayers regarding the destruction and pain resulting, please do so. I'm a bit worried because the words going out were that it was only going to get worse (after the Alabama tornadoes). I pray for mercy and grace in this time.

Pray with me.

--MovingGirl

5.21.2011

Vision

Vision of Fire and Youth

Six o'clock and rain is pounding
Arms are raised in supplication
A great sound rises in our hearts
Thickening the air around us

Fire leaps within our bones
Trumpet cries are released
And the horn blows a final sound!
The army of God is on its knees

A warehouse filled with youth
As drums beat out the songs of war
Dancing as conquered kings
Our God, we worship, we adore!

Nine o'clock and drums are pounding
Hearts are surrendered to our God
Holiness is present, evident, here!
Let the Spirit be upon us now!

Peace and mercy, grace pour out
As the Spirit falls upon us all
And as One, rising to our feet
We give a glorious, resounding call!

The house is shaken with the sound
The glory rising up from within
As God the Father smiles down
And sees us wholly praising him

Twelve am and hearts are pounding
The presence of Jesus fills us up
Each life, each Spirit firmly joining
Unity, the wine inside our cup

We gaze heavenward in expectation
Waiting upon our God and King
And with one voice in supplication
We declare his eternal victory!

Shock-waves send us to the floor
Our bodies filled with golden light
Heads bowed in fear of the LORD
We witness our God in his might!

Three am and rain is pounding
The glory of the LORD all around us
We bask in the warmth and fellowship
And smile at each other in joy

For this night of worship is like no other
Never before have we been so awed
So bathed in the goodness of our Father
As we worship him in truth and love

Now as morning rises with the Son
Healing in his wings
Full of the experience of his presence
We go home to our families

Six am and feet are pounding
Door to door the youth are running
Jesus Christ is LORD! Is LORD!
The Messengers have been commissioned.

I can't wait.

--MovingGirl

5.16.2011

Courage needed

Courage. Courage. Courage. As I repeat this over and over in my head, I can't help but notice that this is Satan's favorite way to taunt me. Well, lack of courage, really. Even better - let's just call it what it is.... Fear. THIS is what weakens me day to day. It is what causes me to lose heart or fall. But WHY should I fear? Ever since I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit (Friday), fears have been cropping up in my head - all having to do with that. What if it didn't really happen? Or what if it did, but only for one night? Or what I just somehow lost it? What if it's possible to lose the baptism? And the worst ones: what if I don't hear him? What if nothing changes? What if it mattered for one night, but I choose not to follow the leadings of the Holy Spirit? What.if.what.if.what.if. It's enough to go insane. And I'm reminded again that "God has not given us a spirit of fear". And today I have just been asking my Heavenly Father, my Daddy, for the courage that I couldn't possess on my own - but that He could give me. I will not be squelched. I am a fire burning bright, not just a flame, but a bonfire for God - for every single part of him. There is a reason for His timing. I don't plan on getting in the way of His plan.

A Season of Alone

Today I am struggling with bitterness and resentment of my circumstances. Things in life have shifted and I’ve gotten pushed to the outside looking in. The isolation would not feel so harsh, I do not think, if I had been able to choose it. However, I did not. God did.

Without a doubt, I know I’ve been brought to this place for a reason. God has not shown me the purpose, but there is something to learn in this season without anyone close.

Joy for others in their circumstances? Yes, I need that.

The ability to forgive others? Yup. Definitely could use some work.

Contentment? Absolutely.

Patience? That’s probably what I’m lacking most of all.

I have no answers for what God has on his agenda for me, what changes will occur in this solitude, or even when my Abba will allow me to move forward into a new area. Until then, however, this is home. (Not forever, though, since God definitely did not design me to live a life of complete and utter segregation) It’s not exactly my ideal place of resting, but with God along for the journey, knowing every one of my needs before I can even voice them, it can’t be so bad, now can it? I’ll be back sooner or later.

Very Happy to Say...

I am very pleased to be able to post the official fact that I am headed to Tulsa. It happened, God came through, and so many other things have happened this week. It's been a God-filled week in every which way. I'll try to remember it all.
Realtor phone call
Fish lady
Alayna wisdom teeth
Becca's baptism of the Holy Spirit
Chris' house prayed over
The Tulsa miracle


24-7 Prayer National Gathering
It's mid thirty my time so I'm headed to bed but I just didn't want to forget any of it. So happy.
I'll write more tomorrow.

5.13.2011

Praying

I'm headed out!

Haha. No really, I am. And I'm believing God to get me where I need to go. Which is Tulsa Oklahoma the 26th-28th for the 24-7 Prayer USA National Gathering. ;D

Yep, last minute. I'm nervous and intimidated and scared. Not really about the finances, but what it will be like. I'm just a nineteen-year-old girl from Alaska. I keep worrying that I won't meet anybody or that my presence will go completely unnoticed...and the reason that worries me is because I feel like going down there I'm supposed to make contacts. And I know God has all this in his hand, but still, I remain so...fearful. I need to get over it. I need to be more bold. More Audacious. I get intimidated way to easily and I'm always borrowing stormy weather. No one can see it, though, because I keep it in for the most part. And it's like poison that eats away at me. I want to be different. I don't want this intimidation. I want to meet the people I'm supposed to meet. And be excited, outgoing, bold and confident. In Jesus. Period.
I'm, asking God that he would use this entire situation to help me gain a backbone. Because I'm truly a wimp. I'm believing that in my weakness God will be glorified. That he would be my strength. I love him so much. I love You sooo much, God!
Learning different sides of him. Different truths. It's like everyday there is something new. I'm not bored, and I'm not stressed with life right now. Even though some days things are very hard.
Below is a copy of what I'm posting on facebook. Just trusting God:

'Hello all. I'm writing a brief, short note asking for two things:

First is prayer. For several weeks now I have been praying and asking God for a word regarding whether or not I was supposed to attend 24-7 Prayer's National Gathering down in Tulsa, OK. I have been praying about attending this gathering since it was first announced, and have been given a God-birthed desire to be there. It will be a total step of faith to attend, as I am trusting God for the finances and provisions, but I have received confirmation that I am supposed to be there.
I am excited about the opportunity to be at this gathering, because I know that God is calling me there for a reason, and if there is anything that he has been teaching me, it is obedience to respond when he asks something of me...no matter how intimidating.

So I would appreciate prayer because I have about two weeks to somehow find the finances or transportation to go.

Secondly, (and this is my Luke 11-midnight-neighbor-shameless-audacity) I need the resources. Yes, I am asking all of my fellow friends and mentors and family. If God lays it on your heart, I need a way down there. I know I'm supposed to go, and God has told me that faith requires action, a step. And yes, I am intimidated, but I am also elated, because I am walking where God wants me and there is nothing more exciting.
So I need help. It could be in the way of unused air miles, etc. It's God we're talking about, but please, pray for me. I will definitely appreciate.

I can't wait to share what God does.

Love you all!'

Please keep me in prayer, specifically for strength and boldness and the realization that my Abba has it all in hand. ;D

--MovingGirl

5.04.2011

Fly

Today is a Wednesday, and a difficult one at that. I’m finally thoroughly done with college classes, but the stress levels that I expected to be gone still are lingering.

My life feels like it’s hanging on bare threads at the moment. Circumstances have turned out so much differently than what I expected. Or wanted. I don’t have a plan for summer… or school… or my job. Or anything. Well, except for knowing that I’ve got to keep trudging forward, with one foot in front of the other into the great unknown that has suddenly become a reality.

All the familiar, reliable blueprints that I had so diligently mapped out are completely gone. With everything up in the air now, God has called me out of my comfort zone and into new journey. He is teaching me to face my fear of heights. I'm learning to fly. Slowly, but surely. I had to do it sooner or later.

Well. Here’s to soaring to new heights. I'm anticipating a good view from above as I practice with these new wings.

In Response

...In response to my questioning my right to ask...namely, "I don't even feel like I can ask for it" God supplied me with an answer.
First of all, I got an A in Japanese, in which I struggled my butt through, hard tests, difficult chapters, new vocab, writing, and tons of memorization. Not to mention grammar. I got an A. And I know it is because God was helping me, supplying me with strength and endurance and wisdom. It shows me that it pays off. That there are rewards worth it in the end. And that anything is possible with God. (Learning it all over again.)
So on that note, I went to bed, high on a quadshot mocha, and talked to God. I read some scripture, I sang. And then I opened my CAMB when I felt a peace about it.
He took me to the I Anticipate Thy Dependence on Me part and I read it. Here is a little of what it said:
"Do not wait to feel ore worthy, for no man is worthy of My Blessings. My Grace bypasses all thy shortcomings, and I give to My children because they ask of Me and because I love them, and I do not love one more than another. I give most liberally to those who ask the most of Me. For I love to have thee depend on Me. This is why the Spirit within thee crieth 'Abba--Father.' As thy father I anticipate thy dependence upon Me.
...Think not in thine heart that since I know all about thee, thou needest not tell Me. It is true that I know, but ye need to tell Me so that in the telling ye may experience the release of an open heart and the fellowship of a Friend.
For as ye open your heart to Me, I will come to thee. As you speak to Me, I will speak to you. As you reveal thyself to Me, I will reveal Myself to you. This is a law of life. There must be action to bring reaction. There must be a question to ring an answer. There must be an expression of love and confidence on the part of one person to arouse a corresponding response in another person.
Never presume upon My presence. Never assume that knowing thy need, I will automatically supply. Ask, and it shall be given. Call, upon Me, and I will answer thee. Tell Me that you love me, and I will make thy heart to know in a very real way My love for thee and My nearness, and thou shalt never feel alone." (Come Away My Beloved, Frances J. Roberts).

This is only a couple parts of the entire message in CAMB, but this was what he told me. So I asked, and I'm waiting. I asked for His will, and for His favor. But I expressed my desire to go. I told Him the deep longing of my heart. Even though I believe He put it there, I told Him. I love Him. I really do. I love Him so much.
I'm very content and satisfied right now regardless.


--MovingGirl
P.S. Thanks to my FirePlace friends for praying for me. I feel more at peace. Love you all!

5.03.2011

Inventory

Shortened version of "Inventory" on Diary of a Moving Girl

...And there is somewhere I want to be. May 26th-28th..
But I have no money. No transportation. And no contacts that I know of. Tulsa, OK. It's the National 24-7 Prayer gathering. My heart jumps every time I hear it. But I am so dang TIMID! It's easier for me to say...it's okay, these types of meetings happen all the time, it's already May 3, how are you going to get there? Who are you going to stay with, or how will you get from the airport to the meeting, etc. You can't even afford one plane ticket, let alone two for someone to go with you (my sister). And how in the world would you even afford the conference fees? You don't know anyone, you'd have to ask for someone to volunteer their time to help you out...and you have no contacts. They might not even want, let alone care about you being there. Why would they go out of their way to help you, a 19-year-old girl from Alaska with nothing but a big vision?
And while these thoughts fly through my head I know they are lies. But why is it that I can trust God to sell our house, move us down to KY/TN, find my dad a job, and situate us. But I have the hardest time seeing him getting me plus one down to Tulsa for this gathering. Why??? I don't know. Lack of faith. I guess I feel selfish. I really don't even feel I can ask him for it. Because I want to walk in His will. I guess I'm a little scared too. Because last time I asked and prayed for something with all my heart, something I knew was God's will, it didn't happen. My prayers were sincere and I believe in God's will (he said I was too fancy) but apart from that, the decision was left up to the person I was praying for. And I'm okay with it. But it's still sore a bit. Just a reality. Truth is it feels like I've gotten confirmation. But I just don't know how to ask. Makes me want to cry. I'm going to start crying. Great.
I just feel the NEED to be there. To BE there. Ugh. My faith is wimpy.
My heart is burdened. And I know that the Bible is where I'll find my answers, so that's where 'm headed. I'll just get it over and done with. Or something like that. Too many reasons to go, though. Too many reasons to miss it. God has placed this fire in my heart. FIRE. And I feel called.

--MovingGirl

5.02.2011

Engagement

The first engagement is DaughteroftheMostHigh's to her boyfriend of, what...three years? Exciting. I am so excited for the both of them and can't wait till Octoberish when they plan on having their wedding. ;D Deserves an emoticon.

Second engagement...said boyfriend's to a more 'engaged' role in FirePlace. Well, D's too. I'm officially making myself a resource for them now as my family and I get closer to the move. God's taken me through a lot the past three months, and now as the time for me leaving nears, he's been helping me to let go (aka prying my fingers away) of many things, FP one of them. It's hard, it is a vision given me, but I have to realize that it is NOT mine. And it can't be realized unless I allow God to do what He wants. Which I knew in my head, but he has been allowing me to know in my heart. So D and fiance are stepping forward to help spearhead FP. Can't wait to see how God uses them to impact this generation.


Third engagement is that of me and dance lessons. Lol. I'll write out a new 'poem' for that one. But what God has shown me, in part, is that now as I enter the field, Abelmeholah, that it isn't just a place of rest--though I do have that briefly and when needed--it is, in fact, like a dance studio. So now that he has spent three months strengthening my legs and teaching me pure endurance...I get to learn the actual steps. Imagine my reaction when he says "It shall be in vain if ye anticipate resting in a comfortable place. Lo, Zion is already filled with those who are at ease. No, ye shall find thyself put in a place of training and discipline, so that when the moments of crisis come ye shall not become faint-hearted, and ye shall not be the victim of unwonted fear." (Come Away My Beloved Frances J. Roberts, 1973). No, actually my first one was not one of unadulterated joy...I hope you hear my sarcasm. I was pouty. Not necessarily upset, just a little perturbed. Like a kid with their ice cream taken away. Yeah, two-year-old style. Regardless, I was saddened a little.
So my meadow of milk and honey is beautiful and all, but it's the courtyard of training, where I learn to use my weapons...aka, learn the steps of the dance, and the different moves. Pretty, but not just for comfort.
Battle-ready soldiers will come to my field to teach me how to dance. And I will not be safe from all attacks. God will allow them simply so that I can learn to dance. How else but through hand-on experience?
I've already had the wonderful privilege of being hit upside the head because my nose was raised to the sky. Got an uppercut that knocked me back a bit. Fun stuff. But God's grace is that he gives me time, resources, and patience in my learning how to respond(or in this case, NOT) to the attack. I had to get on my knees. Not stand up again. It's amazing how vulnerable you feel down there. And yet I think it is probably the most secure and safe position to be in.
It hurt, yes, and it hurt more because it came from a fellow member of the body. But the reality is that God wants to teach me this: I can see these things coming before they happen if I'm not A.) lifting my nose in the air and closing my eyes in a gesture of pride, or B.) looking at myself in any self-centered way. I also am learning that falling to your knees as a reaction to the punch coming can prevent the impact. They miss. Sigh.
Dance moves. Dance moves. That is going to be my repeated line for a while. Reminds me that this is all for a reason.


God is cool, though, and I am only beginning to understand the blessing and grace he has given me in these training periods.


Learning to dance, getting beat up, and loving the lessons...ahem.


--MovingGirl

4.19.2011

166/365


166/365, originally uploaded by beccabugg.

My heart pounded. I'd never been here before, but I knew exactly where I was. Every single possible emotion welled up inside of me. As they played tug-of-war to see who would win, I quickly became exhausted and had the urge to lay down in rest. But I couldn't. I had to reach that light. I felt emotions all around me as well - the strongest of which was love. And I knew without question that the source of this love was the light. I hadn't known what it was, only that I must - MUST - reach it. But suddenly I knew. That area that seemed to pour out living light - this was the throne room of my Lord and King. And I was scared. "What will He think of me? What... What if I'm not what He thought I'd be?"
As if in answer - as if he had heard the fears of my heart - I felt a whisper "Come, my child. Come to my throne."
I took a deep breath and continued. When I finally reached the foot of His throne, I saw that the light was coming from His face. And I can't explain, but it WAS living. I fell down at my King's feet and turned my face away. The light was too much to bear. Thoughts were racing through my head, almost too fast for me to acknowledge any of them. "Be still, My child." and then my heart was inexplicably calm. "Why do you hide your face from me?" He asked. Slowly and timidly I spoke, "Father... I have done so many things wrong... I have sinned in countless ways... I... I killed your Son. It was me... Every time I sin, I crucify Him again..." I wanted to ask if He was disappointed in me, but I was afraid of the answer.
"My child. Look up. Lift up your eyes."
With great difficulty, I looked up, and saw to His right, the Son. But He didn't look angry. He knelt down next to me and looked into my eyes. "Beloved sister... I had to die. I died for you so you could meet the Father - our Father. How can He be disappointed in you? He made you. He knows all your sins. Past, present, and future. But dear sister, all He wants is your need. And you give that to Him every day. So how can He be disappointed in you?"
Tears were rolling down my cheek. I knew He was right. But there was still fear. Then the Son reached down and touched my heart. And He filled me with love. The fear was gone.
"Go, sister. The Father has work for you."
Then the King, my Father spoke one last time. "My Child. Take the love that my Son has given you and spread it. Give as much as you can to every one you meet. My Spirit will fill you back up each time you give away. Now go. The work has already started."
I nodded and in one blink it was all gone. But I knew - I knew it was all real.

* This is a story - something I made up, to show the love of God. He is never ever disappointed in you. He made you and He loves you.

4.16.2011

Stolen

Refined in the fires of your heart
Like a precious jewel, or a well-used tool
Worthy of the thief who comes in the night
Consumed in the fires of your love
Stolen by the thief in the night I am
Stolen by the thief in the night

Like the fiery furnace to burn me up
Cleanse my soul to make a precious jewel
For my God, the king, a thief in the night
Is coming and darkness will pay the toll
Stolen by the thief in the night I am
Stolen by the thief in the night

Take the coal and touch my lips
Make me worthy of your kiss
Give my heart a brand new start
And cleanse me deep within

Burn away all my sin
Make me worthy of your touch
Fire me up with your love
Burn me up, burn me up

Refined in the fires of your heart
Like a precious jewel or a well-used tool
Worthy of the thief in the night
Consumed in the fires of your love
Stolen by the thief in the night I am
Stolen by the thief in the night

Through that fiery furnace came
No diamond in the rough
I’ve been burned by your love
I’ve been touched, I’ve been touched

Refiner’s fire again
Created so holy within
Fire me up with your love
Burn me up, burn me up

A Song by Mariah Barkley
(But Jesus collection)
3-31-11

--MovingGirl

4.15.2011

"That prattles sae lang the day"

I feel like that is all I'm doing anymore. I've come to the realization that when God shows me awesome cool things and exposes cool truths and gives me dreams, visions, words, etc. that it doesn't mean that I have to tell someone. I usually share them with my mom, because I just get so excited...but I've realized that it isn't necessarily going to be as cool or exciting for anyone else. Usually because all of those are for myself, not for others. They are often useful for encouraging others, and I do try to share those ones when the time is right, but I wish I was mature enough to not get frustrated holding things back. I have a loose tongue in the sense that I like to share everything.
I don't know. Here I am again sharing my issues.
"Much dreaming and many words are meaningless..." Ecclesiastes 5:7
I wish I knew better how to hold my tongue. But I figure the closer I remain to Jesus, the better I'll learn to be like Him, right? So the better I'll learn when to speak and when to be silent.
He's been showing me the basic solid foundation upon which any duty must be completed. And that is the simple fact of staying near him. Period. Being in his presence. Daily making that choice.
Practically, how that looks is what we are going to be talking about in FirePlace. I want being near to Him being our primary focus. Because through that everything else happens. And even if we start doing it for selfish reasons, being close to Him will change that. I hope to get addicted to his presence. And I hope that for everyone.

--MovingGirl

4.04.2011

Healing Begins

There was once a young girl who was princess of a faraway land. But she didn't know she was a princess. She had never met her Father, who was King of the land. As a baby, the Princess was stolen from her Father by an evil so great that no one dared to speak it's name. The grieved King searched high and low for His daughter, never ceasing His search until He found her. Then one day He did. She was seven years old when he found her. She was a loving girl, trusting everyone she met. She willingly showed her heart to all. As she grew up, people who had called themselves friend were one by one stealing pieces of her heart, ripping out chunks as they went. Some people ripped out two. And some ripped out twenty. Her whole heart quickly became very raw. Now it happened that her Father was also the chief healer of the kingdom. He begged his Princess to come to Him, to give him her whole heart so that He could heal and protect it. She ignored every loving plea that escaped His lips. And so He watched as His beloved Daughter was hurt again and again. One day, as He was walking in His garden, he saw her crying. He sat next her and asked, "My Daughter, why are you crying?"
She hid her face from Him as she sobbed, "Father, everyone who has ever said they loved me has ended up hurting me. My heart is hurting, Father. I don't think I can take this much longer."
As a tear fell from his eye, He took her face in His hands and looked into her eyes. "Not everyone, my Daughter. Do I not tell you - and show you - everyday in numerous ways that I love you?" she nodded her head. "And have I even once said or showed you otherwise?" she shook her head. "Precious Daughter.... I care for you as no one else can. You know of my position as chief healer. Let me heal you now." uncertainty was in her eyes yet she said nothing. Her Father spoke once more. "Let me share something with you. I have a very special role for you in my kingdom. You will become my apprentice, and I shall teach you to heal. But, my Daughter, before you can heal anyone else, you yourself must be healed. Will you give me your heart?"
Her heart pounded and she knew the answer. She was afraid, but she knew what she must do. She glanced down ever-so-slightly as she grasped her heart in one hand and her Father's hand in the other. She turned His hand so His palm was facing up. And then she placed her heart in His hand. She noticed, as she did so, that her heart and both her hands barely took up half of his palm, and she suddenly realized how small she was. And then before she could think more on the subject, the healing began.

To Be Continued...

Dancing in the Storm

It's raining again.
The eye of the storm had passed over me,
leaving me breathless
to enter into the other side.
Now I'm here, behind,
because I was ducked back into the water
without a breath.
I can't see. Can't see anything at all.
It's dark and black, and all around me.
The noise is deafening, thunderous, whining,
like a black hole would sound
if you could hear it.
I'm so battered, so tired, so weak.
My muscles are quaking
in pain and exhaustion.
One step takes all my strength
I don't see how I make it to two.
I'm cold, always so cold
and wet and miserable...
and I can't see or hear anything.
The forest around me only exists
because I saw myself enter it.
And now I can only place timid hands
in front of me to fend off the world.
The Dark Night of the Soul.
Midnight to 3:00 am.
Can't see.
Can't feel
anything but fear.
But my body moves of its own accord
not even stopping to think
that maybe I'm moving with the storm
not out of it.
My head is bowed against the torrent;
wind and rain, mud and ice
all around;
battered, so battered.
Can you see it?
The storm that threatens
looms menacingly over the earth
like a void in space and time
sending me into the depths
of a valley so deep, so dark
that the only light, the only warmth
is that inside of me.
The only hope is the little light
the little candle flame,
the little coal
that sits inside my heart
like a golden promise
or a memory
of better days.
But that promise is what drives me
it gives me the strength
the power
to put one weary foot
before the other
on my way
out of this forest
this valley, the storm
into the golden fields
that are promised:
my place of rest.
I yearn for those hills
where milk and honey
wave to me from the grasses
where the warmth of the sun
soaks into my skin
to the depths of my soul.
Where the tent is a welcome shade
of rest that calms,
oh, the sheepskin tent.
So I place one weary foot
before the other
and walk on
hands timid
head bent
into the wall of water
into the wind
and the storm.
For the warmth inside me whispers
"Yet, yet shall there be rest
yet shall there be peace
yet shall there be a time
when my voice
will be as clear to you as day
and as warm as the sun
and I shall come
and visit with you
in the sheepskin tent
of communion.
Yet there shall be this time
and we shall dance
together
in Abelmeholah
the meadow of the dance
because this trial
will have strengthened your legs
your body
so that you can
bear to dance with me
as I sing over you
with joy."
And so I put one weary foot
before the other
my chest warm
with the promise.
And the wind howls
the water stings
and the earth moves
beneath me
but I accept it
with arms outstretched
as I let it take me where it will;
dancing in the storm
so that I may have the privilege
of dancing without,
in Abelmeholah
with my God, my King.

--MovingGirl

4.01.2011

Freed-A Collaboration


Freed

Pure, innocent, unbroken
Skin held taut against the pressure
Angel wings that threaten
To escape from the confines of
 Flesh, bone, and memory

Cold, hard, symmetrical
A hollow silhouette beckons
The backbone of a girl
 Set against the world
With Angel wings in her heart

Promise, trust, loyalty
A fingerprint with a name
Shadows and valleys
Illuminated dreams
On the tips of Angel wings

Humble, strong, true
Crucified to self
Solid and with a purpose
Shoulders lifted in
Exultation of the flight

Bought, paid for, purchased
At a price that looses
The binds and chords of earth
Ransomed by The cross
Purity, innocence, love

Bathed, washed, covered
In the blood of Calvary
Ignites a fire inside bones
Flesh and memory
Skin freed for Angel wings

Photo:
--DaughteroftheMostHigh
Poem:
--MovingGirl

3.25.2011

Radio Dream Machine


Radio Dream Machine
By Mariah Barkley
--A song

C-callin', c-callin', c-callin', c-callin'
All peoples out onto the stage
Black and white, young 'n grey
Not ashamed of our faith

Five six seven eight
Mountains dwarfed
And valleys short
As these people
Movin' forth
Callin' ev’ry boy and girl
Let’s go out and change this world

C-callin', c-callin', c-callin', c-callin'
All peoples out onto the stage
Black and white, young 'n grey
Not ashamed of our faith

Drop, stop, lock 'n dance
There is a fire
In our bones
It’s burnin' forth
The light is show’n'
Callin' ev’ry boy and girl
Let’s go out and change this world

C-callin', c-callin', c-callin', c-callin'
All peoples out onto the stage
Black and white, young 'n grey
Not ashamed of our faith

One two three four
Hungry for your Spirit, Lord
Give us more, let us know
Where you’re movin’ us toward
When you’re movin’ us forward
We’re ready, yeah, we’re ready

Five six seven eight
Mountains dwarfed
And valleys short
As these people
Movin' forth
Callin' ev’ry boy and girl
Let’s go out and change this world

Let’s go out and change this world
Hear the mighty sound unfurled
On your radio dream machine
Let’s pick it up! Let’s make a scene!

Callin' ev’ry boy and girl
Let’s go out and show this world
We’re not shamed by our faith
We are the voice of the saved
We’re callin’ ev’ry boy and girl
All the peoples of this world

Let’s shake it up! Let’s make Him proud!
His Spirit poured upon us now!

C-callin', c-callin', c-callin', c-callin'
All peoples out onto the stage
Black and white, young 'n grey
Not ashamed of our faith

On your radio dream machine


>:D
I had fun writing this one...not my first song but the most upbeat one.

--MovingGirl

3.12.2011

Living an Epic Life

Had a good cry last night. Sometimes there are no words to express sorrow and grief, but I believe God hears those silent prayers too.
I believe that when Jesus wept, it was the same sort of wordless emotion. Nothing else to do but weep. While he may have done other things, the Bible chooses to show that emotion. It doesn't say he prayed, it doesn't say he spoke, or gave some clever words of comfort. Nope. He wept. And I know the Father heard his tears.
Heard his groans and anguish. Anguish.
It feels like a broken heart, or the sorrow of losing a loved one.
Sometimes, I think tears are more powerful than words. And I wonder if God stops to listen just to them.
Because we are coming to him with something that we cannot express, but that we know he can understand.
And even when my heart breaks, he's there with his warmth that says "Mariah, beloved, I hear your heart."
It's those moments that help you to realize you can go on, that you can survive the onslaught of whatever is thrown your way. That you can stand firm because God the Father is there with his warmth and his comfort to hold you when it gets hard.
And my day goes on. The night continues. I get up in the morning, get ready, stop by kaladis to get my coffee, and go to work. A normal day, in which nothing has changed, and yet everything has. It feels surreal to watch people laughing and carrying on like normal. It makes me wonder why I live everyday like that. Why I live with the knowledge of a God who is greater and live like I don't.
I want to live in such a way that people look at me and see someone else, someone they long for. Jesus.
I want to live like my life depends on someone greater. Like I live for something grander. Epic. Majestic.
What everybody seeks in their fantasy worlds and their movies and books and comics and dreams. I live like that in reality because of a God who is fantastic and beyond imagination. I live in a world and a story more epic than LOTR. And I am an important character in the story. I am Frodo. I am Sam. I am filled with the love of Jesus Christ and nothing, no earthquake, no disaster, no normal, dreary day can ever ever make him any less. 
I want to live in love with Him. So that when people ask me about my purity ring, I can tell them I am holding out for God's man for my life and until then and after God will always be my first lover, my first friend, and both this ring and the next will symbolize my relationship with him.

My heart breaks for Japan. But my heart knows that God is on the move, and I want to be ready, to stand prepared for what he is calling me to. No matter what.


--MovingGirl