Inventory

Shortened version of "Inventory" on Diary of a Moving Girl

...And there is somewhere I want to be. May 26th-28th..
But I have no money. No transportation. And no contacts that I know of. Tulsa, OK. It's the National 24-7 Prayer gathering. My heart jumps every time I hear it. But I am so dang TIMID! It's easier for me to say...it's okay, these types of meetings happen all the time, it's already May 3, how are you going to get there? Who are you going to stay with, or how will you get from the airport to the meeting, etc. You can't even afford one plane ticket, let alone two for someone to go with you (my sister). And how in the world would you even afford the conference fees? You don't know anyone, you'd have to ask for someone to volunteer their time to help you out...and you have no contacts. They might not even want, let alone care about you being there. Why would they go out of their way to help you, a 19-year-old girl from Alaska with nothing but a big vision?
And while these thoughts fly through my head I know they are lies. But why is it that I can trust God to sell our house, move us down to KY/TN, find my dad a job, and situate us. But I have the hardest time seeing him getting me plus one down to Tulsa for this gathering. Why??? I don't know. Lack of faith. I guess I feel selfish. I really don't even feel I can ask him for it. Because I want to walk in His will. I guess I'm a little scared too. Because last time I asked and prayed for something with all my heart, something I knew was God's will, it didn't happen. My prayers were sincere and I believe in God's will (he said I was too fancy) but apart from that, the decision was left up to the person I was praying for. And I'm okay with it. But it's still sore a bit. Just a reality. Truth is it feels like I've gotten confirmation. But I just don't know how to ask. Makes me want to cry. I'm going to start crying. Great.
I just feel the NEED to be there. To BE there. Ugh. My faith is wimpy.
My heart is burdened. And I know that the Bible is where I'll find my answers, so that's where 'm headed. I'll just get it over and done with. Or something like that. Too many reasons to go, though. Too many reasons to miss it. God has placed this fire in my heart. FIRE. And I feel called.

--MovingGirl