Storms! (Excited?)

It's amazing how I can ask God for something, he gives it to me, and it isn't until I'm in the middle of the trial that I realize I asked for a storm. Not that I wanted anything bad, but kind of like the saying goes: "You ask for patience, and God will provide you opportunities to be patient." So the things I'd been asking God to help me with, primarily pride, self, and minimal other things...they all got wham-slammied down on me in the form of school and time and money.
To be straightforward, I hate UAA right now. I hate the institution, I hate the people who say you need a piece of paper to be qualified, etc. etc.
And I already know God has a plan to change my heart about that too, it just hasn't been implemented yet.
There's nothing like going through the valleys to help me get closer to God. The phrase 'draw near' really is literal. I mean, if he's going to stick me smack dab in the middle of a three-month-long storm/valley/trial, I'm going to be stepping all over his feet trying to stay close to him. I'll be like a monkey. Who wants to walk through a valley all by themselves???
So I'm wanting to allow the Holy Spirit to live with me. Praying in the Spirit has become a daily routine (I love praying [and singing] in the car) and I want it to become my lifestyle to be constantly praying, constantly listening, attentive, sensitive, open to what he has for me.
If I'm truly going to make it through the next few months he's going to have to guide and direct my steps because without him I'll fall off the boat, wander off the path, etc. etc.
I have a track record of getting myself into dark pits of despair and disappointment and fear and all manner of yuck when I try doing things by my own strength.
So as the song goes,
"I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands, for you are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I cry, you hold in your hands, you never leave my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."
Praise is a powerful, powerful thing. It can lift the deepest despair, deepest fear, deepest depression in a heartbeat. Beautiful. Beautiful.
Jesus, my Jesus.

--MovingGirl 
It's amazing how you ask God for something, he gives it to you, and you realize that you've asked him for a storm. Nothing like the valleys to help us get closer to God. Who wants to walk through one alone? I mean if he's going to stick me right in the middle of a three-month long trial, I'm going to walk on his feet staying close to him. Jesus, my Jesus.

The Valley

There's too much to say and I'm too upset to say it all.
So I wanted to withdraw from two classes but I paid with a scholarship and since I've passed the drop deadline I'd have to pay it back. So my only option is to stay with the institution.
My heart is hurt, and I guess my belief in the goodness of people extended to institutions as well because my little bubble burst when I got slapped in the face with the realization that all they want is my money.
I knew that, but still, you try to ignore it.
So now I'm on a walk with God that is going to rattle my world and try my faith. Make it grow, I believe, but the stretching isn't comfortable.
I'm really sore right now. I know I'm not going to run from God and this is providing the perfect opportunity for me to rely on him in a way I've never had to before, but I'm so confused and all mixed up right now that I can' really write about it. Words are kind of insufficient right now.
So I hope by the end of this (only three more months, thank God) I'll be able to look back and write...(I just burst into tears.)
God's good to me, though, he's given me a sister and mom that have the gift of words of knowledge, encouragement, and wisdom.
My dad took my request to withdraw a lot better than I thought he would. (At least what I saw of it.)
And then God gave me these words from Come Away My Beloved 'by' Frances Roberts:

Keep Thy Face Toward the Sunrise

"Behold, I have sent thee out alone,
but I have gone before to prepare thy way;
yea, through the darkness to bear a light.
I ask thee only to follow Me,
for I will surely lead thee in a safe path
though dangers lurk on every hand.
Yea, I will be thy protection:
I will be thy comfort.
I will be thy joy.
I will turn the bitter tear to sweet perfume.
By My Spirit, I will mend the broken heart.
I will pour warm, fragrant oil into the deep wound.
For Mine heart is fused with thy heart,
and in thy grief, I am one with thee.
Yea, I will fill the vacant place.
Mine arms shall hold thee, and thou shalt not fall.
My grace shall sustain thee, and thou shalt not faint.
My joy shall fortify thy spirit
even as a broken body is rejuvenated by a blood transfusion.
My smile shall dispel the shadows,
and My voice shall speak courage.
Yea, I will surely keep thee, and thou shalt not know fear.
Thou shalt rest thy foot upon the threshold of heaven.
I shall hide thee in My pavilion.
Thou shalt have My constant care.
I will not leave thee for a moment.
I will keep thee from despair:
I will deliver thee from confusion.
When thou art perplexed,
I will guide thee in wisdom and in judgment.
By thy light shall others be led out of the valley.
By thy courage shall the weak be lifted up.
By thy steadfastness shall he that wavereth be stabilized.
Lo, the hour is upon thee.
Look not back.
Keep thy face toward the sunrise,
for He shall rise fresh daily in thy soul
with healing in His wings."

It spoke to every part of my feelings and emotions, my heart, my mind, my soul.
I'm in pain and more than a little disillusioned with things, but if one thing is true, it's God.


--MovingGirl

To Sing

Ever since I was a little kid, I mean little, I've wanted to be able to fly, not quite like Superman, but more like PeterPan. I LOVED PeterPan for that reason alone. I always answered that question of "if you could have one wish" with I would want to fly. Then I grew up and realized how selfish that was and wished I could be wise enough like Solomon, to ask God for something good and useful...not something for me alone.

So I started changing my question.

"If I could have any selfish wish..."

And it was still flying.

But a couple years ago something struck me pretty hard. I was singing in church and I got embarrassed. No particular reason, I mean nobody turned around and looked at me or anything, but suddenly I felt incredibly awkward and I stopped singing. For a couple weeks I wouldn't open my mouth to sing. I finally got over it and returned to singing without a problem. For a while. But there was always a thought in the back of my mind...maybe I'm singing too loud, maybe I should quiet down, maybe I should move seats, maybe I should not sing this song that goes way too far out of my very minimal range...

And it was like that for a long time. See, my voice is great for yelling at people, for being loud without even having to yell. I can pitch my voice so that I can be heard from far without raising my voice. My dad gave me that. But when it comes to singing, those genes somehow never made it into our family.

And I absolutely love to sing. That becomes a problem.

So my selfish wish changed. If I could have anything, it would be to have a singing voice. It didn't even have to be great, just good. Something to sing praises to my God with. Something worthy.

And then it hit me. I was SO consumed with myself. Worship isn't for me, it isn't for the people around me (though there's good in that too) but it is for God.

And to Him, my voice is sweet and my face is lovely. To Him, your voice is sweet and your face is lovely. You don't have to make it on American Idol to have a good voice. That's the judging of man, but to God, our praise is heavenly.

I still would wish to be able to sing with a decent voice, but I'm okay with what I have.

For all I know, God has a reason for the voice that I have.

This is a word that God spoke to me on my thirteenth birthday through my Uncle:
"I take pleasure in your voice that bears to me precious song. For to me your voice is sweet and your face is lovely."
I believe it. I trust it. 

My name is Mariah. Depending on who you talk to there are several translations. If it is coming from the root name of Mary, then it means bitter. Another translation is "My Teacher is Jehovah."

My favorite, though, would have to be a variation of Moriah. As in Mount Moriah. It means "Chosen by Jehovah."

I am Chosen. You are Chosen. And He loves our voices. 

I told him I'd love to be part of Heaven's choir or something when I get there. Let's sing together on that choir.

I also said I'd love to work in his library and sit on his lap. Who wants to sit on a throne? I can't wait to sit on Jesus' lap. To be hugged by the Father. 

Singing to him in a quiet place. Just the two of us. I know he listens. Worship.

So let him hear your voice, deep, high, heavenly and humble, for to him your voice is sweet and your face is lovely.

--MovingGirl

A word is just a breath carried away by the wind

Be a light into my life. Shine into the darkest part of me. I know I can't make it on my own. I've tried. I've relied too much on week things, temporary things. I've looked to others to be my light. To be my provider. I don't even know my own heart motives anymore. I say I'll trust you with things. But... Words mean nothing. Words are but a breath carried away in the wind. What are words without action? Ha. Nothing. They say actions speak louder than words. So why do we speak one thing hoping that is what people hear when our actions are not speaking the same words? What is it about the human condition that gives us this incessant need to order others to "do what I say, not what I do" and judge when they don't? Yet we get angry and self-righteous when others judge us. This is a sick, sick world. And I am no better. I look at how others live and get disgusted. I feel "better than them". Because I'm a Christian? I don't even know. But I know that when I really truly look into the deepest parts of my heart, the parts hidden in the shadows, the parts I often hide from myself... Well, I am no better than the murderer, the rapist, the thief, the terrorist. I continually crucify an innocent man over and over again... And yet he loves me, wants to care for me, wants me to the happy, full, wondrous life he has planned for me. Why can't we let God bless us? Why can't we let him give us a wonderful life? This world is in desperate need of a revolution.

Conversation about the Bible

"Why are you doing this?"

"I'm doing this because I fell in love. With the characters, the story. It gave me a world outside myself; a desire for something bigger than me...just, something outside myself. It's like no matter how many deep breaths you take, you are never fully satisfied, you never have enough air. There is a hunger, a desire in your heart that cannot be quenched. You find this feeling with a lot of the grand epics. Why do we all fall in love with Tolkein, Narnia, Gladiator? It's this feeling that you get. That same longing comes with reading the Bible."

"But what has Christianity done for you?"

"Look where it's gotten me. Your raised eyebrows indicate a certain doubt. Listen to this. You know, some may go through life living on the streets. With abuse, poverty, strife, loneliness...a horrid life. Then they find God. Or rather, God finds them. And yet they may still be living on the streets, with hunger, abuse, poverty, strife...no loneliness...but you ask them the same question, and they'll answer the same way: 'Look where it's gotten me.' Because we're looking into the face of eternity, no longer living for this world.
"We've found something bigger than ourselves. We're satisfied even before we take a breath. It's fulfilling. It quenches those longings, desires, aches of our heart. It makes us richer than any other on earth."

"So you find a crutch to get through life."

"You know, that's the secret. We have nothing to offer him. We cannot give him anything. We're weak, helpless, lost, alone, hungry, thirsty, blind, dead. No, instead he offers us strength. And even though we have nothing to offer him, he loves us anyway."

"Yet he lets some of you live a horrid life?"

"It's not that we are given grand lives once we enter a relationship with him. And we don't 'settle' either, rather we live with peace, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Our circumstances cease to matter as they used to, because we live knowing God goes beyond our situation."

"Some love."

"There's a verse that says 'no greater love has a man than this: to lay down his life for his friends.' But see, it's even better than that. Jesus gave us his life while we were still sinners. While we were still enemies..."

"Huh."

"And Jesus...well, he's not a crutch." Smile. "He's our life support."


--MovingGirl

Recovering

Kissing the floor at his feet.
I want this year to be the best.
And then for it to get better.
I want to be closer to him.
More than ever before.
I want to learn humility.
The real thing, not the fake.
I want to mature in my life.
Both spiritually and otherwise.
I want to become that force.
That moves only because of him.
I want to be ready.
For the storms to come.
I want my understanding to grow.
Of his works and his ways.
I want to not fall prey.
Fall prey to sins that cause such stumbling.
I want rejoice and glory in his love.
For in the days to come.
I will see that which I have not yet seen.
And hear that which I have not yet heard.
I want to hear his voice.
I know I will hear his voice.
I want to know his will.
I know I will know his will.
I want to walk in his love and tenderness.
All the days of my life.
I shall be still.
And know him as GOD.

--MovingGirl