wow.  last time anything was written in here was July.  i miss a lot of things.  writing is one of them.  and i've been searching for a place to dump my "cerebral vomit" and i completely forgot about this blog.

so this is more for me than for anyone else.

i'm realizing a lot.  i'm selfish.  a lot more selfish than i thought.  i always thought i was a generous and giving and selfless person.  so i'm prideful too.  i'm being humbled.  and as i'm writing this i'm remembering a time i asked for this.  i literally asked for it.  and gosh it hurts.  and right now i'm struggling with my faith.  don't read that wrong.  that really means i don't have enough for what it seems God my have planned for michael and for me.  i get the idea telling lillian lauwers where i'm at would bring me some encouragement.  her husband had some similar experiences i think.  i need reassurance.  i'm scared out of my wits.  i'm broken and hurting.  i'm supposed to go through this forgiveness thing and i don't even really have the motivation or the emotional energy.  i'm scared to open up those wounds i've tried to ignore for so long.  and right now i just don't feel like God is near me.  i feel lonely.  lonely and scared are the two words to sum up everything i feel.  i know in my head he's there.  i want intimacy with him.  i'm so jealous of those around me who hear him so so clearly that they have no doubt and i have to strain to hear a little whisper that i'm not even sure if it's God or my own thoughts.  i'm exhausted.

i don't know what God has planned for michael and i but i'm scared about it, especially where i'm at not feeling close to God.

i suppose that's it for now.

i hope this blog picks back up, because it was beautiful.

Fly

Today is a Wednesday, and a difficult one at that. I’m finally thoroughly done with college classes, but the stress levels that I expected to be gone still are lingering.

My life feels like it’s hanging on bare threads at the moment. Circumstances have turned out so much differently than what I expected. Or wanted. I don’t have a plan for summer… or school… or my job. Or anything. Well, except for knowing that I’ve got to keep trudging forward, with one foot in front of the other into the great unknown that has suddenly become a reality.

All the familiar, reliable blueprints that I had so diligently mapped out are completely gone. With everything up in the air now, God has called me out of my comfort zone and into new journey. He is teaching me to face my fear of heights. I'm learning to fly. Slowly, but surely. I had to do it sooner or later.

Well. Here’s to soaring to new heights. I'm anticipating a good view from above as I practice with these new wings.