wow.  last time anything was written in here was July.  i miss a lot of things.  writing is one of them.  and i've been searching for a place to dump my "cerebral vomit" and i completely forgot about this blog.

so this is more for me than for anyone else.

i'm realizing a lot.  i'm selfish.  a lot more selfish than i thought.  i always thought i was a generous and giving and selfless person.  so i'm prideful too.  i'm being humbled.  and as i'm writing this i'm remembering a time i asked for this.  i literally asked for it.  and gosh it hurts.  and right now i'm struggling with my faith.  don't read that wrong.  that really means i don't have enough for what it seems God my have planned for michael and for me.  i get the idea telling lillian lauwers where i'm at would bring me some encouragement.  her husband had some similar experiences i think.  i need reassurance.  i'm scared out of my wits.  i'm broken and hurting.  i'm supposed to go through this forgiveness thing and i don't even really have the motivation or the emotional energy.  i'm scared to open up those wounds i've tried to ignore for so long.  and right now i just don't feel like God is near me.  i feel lonely.  lonely and scared are the two words to sum up everything i feel.  i know in my head he's there.  i want intimacy with him.  i'm so jealous of those around me who hear him so so clearly that they have no doubt and i have to strain to hear a little whisper that i'm not even sure if it's God or my own thoughts.  i'm exhausted.

i don't know what God has planned for michael and i but i'm scared about it, especially where i'm at not feeling close to God.

i suppose that's it for now.

i hope this blog picks back up, because it was beautiful.