What Happens to a Black Heart

I had a vision regarding my return to the Lord in an intimate way.

I saw my heart and it was encased in a hard black shell, like an egg, but much thicker, much more dense. Sharp.

I saw it and I was praying, I told God that I wanted to be done with me, with my 'self'. I asked him to send an arrow of truth into my heart. I told him I was blind and couldn't see and asked him to shoot straight through the blackness and darkness to my heart. To break it.

I saw the arrow fly straight and true and in slow motion, it hit the shell of darkness and it shattered. The arrow flew through my heart and the black casing that was on it, that prevented my from seeing, was broken. The hold it had on my heart was broken.

I was so moved I sang and continued to pray. He set me free that day from the hold on my life, and I began to see much more clearly than I had.

Then he spoke to me and this is what I heard: "This is going to hurt, Mariah." I saw why as I looked again at the heart. Although the black case had been broken, the shards were still attached to my heart. I cringed. "Then break my heart, so that you can heal it. Tear off those pieces so I can see again."

I felt a peace, even knowing that the next days, even weeks were going to be a painful process of removing the black from my life. And dealing with the resulting pain and consequences.

He's been removing those pieces and like he said, it is painful. But I can see, I am learning, and my God loves me! He loves me.

--Moving Girl

The Title Should Read...

Journey from North to South, West to East. I forgot I'm going that direction, too. If I was just going south I'd end up somewhere cold. Ew.

So Alaska is experiencing our cold season as of now. I officially froze for the first time last night while trying to sleep. I got up and turned icicle. It was something like -5 outside.

Ick.

Anyway, I say I won't miss this weather, but anytime I dare to remember the humid hotness of TN/KY I cringe and change my mind. Growing up in Japan and Alaska did not prepare me in any way for what I'm going to experience down there.

And we are driving out in the middle of summer. Bless us, God. Keep us cool. And whatever happens, DON'T let the air conditioning fail.

We got a camper finally. Settled on one in Washington near Seattle. It is a travel trailer with a bunkhouse. The bunkhouse has an entertainment center and double bunks (good because I like space). It should work out fine although I'm still partial to fifth wheels.

Let's see, what else is new...mmm, God is requiring a lot from me in this new stage of our relationship. I think what I went through the last two months was to help prepare for something and also to show me how vulnerable I am without him as my constant companion. Not just morning or evening companion.

The lessons I'm learning are hard and they hurt. I'm surprised by how much something that is not physical (or completely, anyway) can hurt so much. I had to give something up last night (and God, please forgive me for anything I may still be harboring in my heart, please have it). That something was a dream and desire that I've had for a very long time, even stronger than my desire to one day go back to Japan. I had to give it up and it hurt. Really bad. I cried and whimpered because it was so hard. I'm not even sure where I am in the process of giving it up right now. I want God to replace that desire with a greater desire for him. A grander desire for him. (The thing I gave up was not in any way bad, and is actually a spiritual gift, but my desire for it was unhealthy.)

I don't think that such a desire is impossible, and I do believe that there is a possibility I might get to obtain that gift one day, but not now. I pray, though, that God will begin to reshape that desire into something he can use, something that lets me love him more.

--Moving Girl

Fail

So I fail at the whole "silent" thing. I'm done with all but three projects or "finals".

I have a Japanese Presentation on Monday, my Anthro test due on Monday, and my grammar paper due on Wednesday.

I know I'll make it, too, because I have just re-entered into an awesome relationship. This guy is the coolest, most amazing person. I don't understand why I ever left him. It's been about two months since we were this close and it's amazing. Absolutely amazing to be back. And it is so good. So good.

He told me that he still loved me and that he forgave me for all the stuff I did. He opened his arms and gave me the best hug anyone could ever receive. Now he is calling me to something greater and grander than myself. Than anything I could ever imagine. And I'm excited to go. I'm learning so much about him and myself. I want to get to the point where I can't help but spend an hour with him each day.


--Moving Girl Back in Love