...In response to my questioning my right to ask...namely, "I don't even feel like I can ask for it" God supplied me with an answer.
First of all, I got an A in Japanese, in which I struggled my butt through, hard tests, difficult chapters, new vocab, writing, and tons of memorization. Not to mention grammar. I got an A. And I know it is because God was helping me, supplying me with strength and endurance and wisdom. It shows me that it pays off. That there are rewards worth it in the end. And that anything is possible with God. (Learning it all over again.)
So on that note, I went to bed, high on a quadshot mocha, and talked to God. I read some scripture, I sang. And then I opened my CAMB when I felt a peace about it.
He took me to the I Anticipate Thy Dependence on Me part and I read it. Here is a little of what it said:
"Do not wait to feel ore worthy, for no man is worthy of My Blessings. My Grace bypasses all thy shortcomings, and I give to My children because they ask of Me and because I love them, and I do not love one more than another. I give most liberally to those who ask the most of Me. For I love to have thee depend on Me. This is why the Spirit within thee crieth 'Abba--Father.' As thy father I anticipate thy dependence upon Me.
...Think not in thine heart that since I know all about thee, thou needest not tell Me. It is true that I know, but ye need to tell Me so that in the telling ye may experience the release of an open heart and the fellowship of a Friend.
For as ye open your heart to Me, I will come to thee. As you speak to Me, I will speak to you. As you reveal thyself to Me, I will reveal Myself to you. This is a law of life. There must be action to bring reaction. There must be a question to ring an answer. There must be an expression of love and confidence on the part of one person to arouse a corresponding response in another person.
Never presume upon My presence. Never assume that knowing thy need, I will automatically supply. Ask, and it shall be given. Call, upon Me, and I will answer thee. Tell Me that you love me, and I will make thy heart to know in a very real way My love for thee and My nearness, and thou shalt never feel alone." (Come Away My Beloved, Frances J. Roberts).
This is only a couple parts of the entire message in CAMB, but this was what he told me. So I asked, and I'm waiting. I asked for His will, and for His favor. But I expressed my desire to go. I told Him the deep longing of my heart. Even though I believe He put it there, I told Him. I love Him. I really do. I love Him so much.
I'm very content and satisfied right now regardless.
--MovingGirl
P.S. Thanks to my FirePlace friends for praying for me. I feel more at peace. Love you all!
5.04.2011
5.03.2011
Inventory
Shortened version of "Inventory" on Diary of a Moving Girl
...And there is somewhere I want to be. May 26th-28th..
But I have no money. No transportation. And no contacts that I know of. Tulsa, OK. It's the National 24-7 Prayer gathering. My heart jumps every time I hear it. But I am so dang TIMID! It's easier for me to say...it's okay, these types of meetings happen all the time, it's already May 3, how are you going to get there? Who are you going to stay with, or how will you get from the airport to the meeting, etc. You can't even afford one plane ticket, let alone two for someone to go with you (my sister). And how in the world would you even afford the conference fees? You don't know anyone, you'd have to ask for someone to volunteer their time to help you out...and you have no contacts. They might not even want, let alone care about you being there. Why would they go out of their way to help you, a 19-year-old girl from Alaska with nothing but a big vision?
And while these thoughts fly through my head I know they are lies. But why is it that I can trust God to sell our house, move us down to KY/TN, find my dad a job, and situate us. But I have the hardest time seeing him getting me plus one down to Tulsa for this gathering. Why??? I don't know. Lack of faith. I guess I feel selfish. I really don't even feel I can ask him for it. Because I want to walk in His will. I guess I'm a little scared too. Because last time I asked and prayed for something with all my heart, something I knew was God's will, it didn't happen. My prayers were sincere and I believe in God's will (he said I was too fancy) but apart from that, the decision was left up to the person I was praying for. And I'm okay with it. But it's still sore a bit. Just a reality. Truth is it feels like I've gotten confirmation. But I just don't know how to ask. Makes me want to cry. I'm going to start crying. Great.
I just feel the NEED to be there. To BE there. Ugh. My faith is wimpy.
My heart is burdened. And I know that the Bible is where I'll find my answers, so that's where 'm headed. I'll just get it over and done with. Or something like that. Too many reasons to go, though. Too many reasons to miss it. God has placed this fire in my heart. FIRE. And I feel called.
--MovingGirl
...And there is somewhere I want to be. May 26th-28th..
But I have no money. No transportation. And no contacts that I know of. Tulsa, OK. It's the National 24-7 Prayer gathering. My heart jumps every time I hear it. But I am so dang TIMID! It's easier for me to say...it's okay, these types of meetings happen all the time, it's already May 3, how are you going to get there? Who are you going to stay with, or how will you get from the airport to the meeting, etc. You can't even afford one plane ticket, let alone two for someone to go with you (my sister). And how in the world would you even afford the conference fees? You don't know anyone, you'd have to ask for someone to volunteer their time to help you out...and you have no contacts. They might not even want, let alone care about you being there. Why would they go out of their way to help you, a 19-year-old girl from Alaska with nothing but a big vision?
And while these thoughts fly through my head I know they are lies. But why is it that I can trust God to sell our house, move us down to KY/TN, find my dad a job, and situate us. But I have the hardest time seeing him getting me plus one down to Tulsa for this gathering. Why??? I don't know. Lack of faith. I guess I feel selfish. I really don't even feel I can ask him for it. Because I want to walk in His will. I guess I'm a little scared too. Because last time I asked and prayed for something with all my heart, something I knew was God's will, it didn't happen. My prayers were sincere and I believe in God's will (he said I was too fancy) but apart from that, the decision was left up to the person I was praying for. And I'm okay with it. But it's still sore a bit. Just a reality. Truth is it feels like I've gotten confirmation. But I just don't know how to ask. Makes me want to cry. I'm going to start crying. Great.
I just feel the NEED to be there. To BE there. Ugh. My faith is wimpy.
My heart is burdened. And I know that the Bible is where I'll find my answers, so that's where 'm headed. I'll just get it over and done with. Or something like that. Too many reasons to go, though. Too many reasons to miss it. God has placed this fire in my heart. FIRE. And I feel called.
--MovingGirl
5.02.2011
Engagement
The first engagement is DaughteroftheMostHigh's to her boyfriend of, what...three years? Exciting. I am so excited for the both of them and can't wait till Octoberish when they plan on having their wedding. ;D Deserves an emoticon.
Second engagement...said boyfriend's to a more 'engaged' role in FirePlace. Well, D's too. I'm officially making myself a resource for them now as my family and I get closer to the move. God's taken me through a lot the past three months, and now as the time for me leaving nears, he's been helping me to let go (aka prying my fingers away) of many things, FP one of them. It's hard, it is a vision given me, but I have to realize that it is NOT mine. And it can't be realized unless I allow God to do what He wants. Which I knew in my head, but he has been allowing me to know in my heart. So D and fiance are stepping forward to help spearhead FP. Can't wait to see how God uses them to impact this generation.
Third engagement is that of me and dance lessons. Lol. I'll write out a new 'poem' for that one. But what God has shown me, in part, is that now as I enter the field, Abelmeholah, that it isn't just a place of rest--though I do have that briefly and when needed--it is, in fact, like a dance studio. So now that he has spent three months strengthening my legs and teaching me pure endurance...I get to learn the actual steps. Imagine my reaction when he says "It shall be in vain if ye anticipate resting in a comfortable place. Lo, Zion is already filled with those who are at ease. No, ye shall find thyself put in a place of training and discipline, so that when the moments of crisis come ye shall not become faint-hearted, and ye shall not be the victim of unwonted fear." (Come Away My Beloved Frances J. Roberts, 1973). No, actually my first one was not one of unadulterated joy...I hope you hear my sarcasm. I was pouty. Not necessarily upset, just a little perturbed. Like a kid with their ice cream taken away. Yeah, two-year-old style. Regardless, I was saddened a little.
So my meadow of milk and honey is beautiful and all, but it's the courtyard of training, where I learn to use my weapons...aka, learn the steps of the dance, and the different moves. Pretty, but not just for comfort.
Battle-ready soldiers will come to my field to teach me how to dance. And I will not be safe from all attacks. God will allow them simply so that I can learn to dance. How else but through hand-on experience?
I've already had the wonderful privilege of being hit upside the head because my nose was raised to the sky. Got an uppercut that knocked me back a bit. Fun stuff. But God's grace is that he gives me time, resources, and patience in my learning how to respond(or in this case, NOT) to the attack. I had to get on my knees. Not stand up again. It's amazing how vulnerable you feel down there. And yet I think it is probably the most secure and safe position to be in.
It hurt, yes, and it hurt more because it came from a fellow member of the body. But the reality is that God wants to teach me this: I can see these things coming before they happen if I'm not A.) lifting my nose in the air and closing my eyes in a gesture of pride, or B.) looking at myself in any self-centered way. I also am learning that falling to your knees as a reaction to the punch coming can prevent the impact. They miss. Sigh.
Dance moves. Dance moves. That is going to be my repeated line for a while. Reminds me that this is all for a reason.
God is cool, though, and I am only beginning to understand the blessing and grace he has given me in these training periods.
Learning to dance, getting beat up, and loving the lessons...ahem.
--MovingGirl
Second engagement...said boyfriend's to a more 'engaged' role in FirePlace. Well, D's too. I'm officially making myself a resource for them now as my family and I get closer to the move. God's taken me through a lot the past three months, and now as the time for me leaving nears, he's been helping me to let go (aka prying my fingers away) of many things, FP one of them. It's hard, it is a vision given me, but I have to realize that it is NOT mine. And it can't be realized unless I allow God to do what He wants. Which I knew in my head, but he has been allowing me to know in my heart. So D and fiance are stepping forward to help spearhead FP. Can't wait to see how God uses them to impact this generation.
Third engagement is that of me and dance lessons. Lol. I'll write out a new 'poem' for that one. But what God has shown me, in part, is that now as I enter the field, Abelmeholah, that it isn't just a place of rest--though I do have that briefly and when needed--it is, in fact, like a dance studio. So now that he has spent three months strengthening my legs and teaching me pure endurance...I get to learn the actual steps. Imagine my reaction when he says "It shall be in vain if ye anticipate resting in a comfortable place. Lo, Zion is already filled with those who are at ease. No, ye shall find thyself put in a place of training and discipline, so that when the moments of crisis come ye shall not become faint-hearted, and ye shall not be the victim of unwonted fear." (Come Away My Beloved Frances J. Roberts, 1973). No, actually my first one was not one of unadulterated joy...I hope you hear my sarcasm. I was pouty. Not necessarily upset, just a little perturbed. Like a kid with their ice cream taken away. Yeah, two-year-old style. Regardless, I was saddened a little.
So my meadow of milk and honey is beautiful and all, but it's the courtyard of training, where I learn to use my weapons...aka, learn the steps of the dance, and the different moves. Pretty, but not just for comfort.
Battle-ready soldiers will come to my field to teach me how to dance. And I will not be safe from all attacks. God will allow them simply so that I can learn to dance. How else but through hand-on experience?
I've already had the wonderful privilege of being hit upside the head because my nose was raised to the sky. Got an uppercut that knocked me back a bit. Fun stuff. But God's grace is that he gives me time, resources, and patience in my learning how to respond(or in this case, NOT) to the attack. I had to get on my knees. Not stand up again. It's amazing how vulnerable you feel down there. And yet I think it is probably the most secure and safe position to be in.
It hurt, yes, and it hurt more because it came from a fellow member of the body. But the reality is that God wants to teach me this: I can see these things coming before they happen if I'm not A.) lifting my nose in the air and closing my eyes in a gesture of pride, or B.) looking at myself in any self-centered way. I also am learning that falling to your knees as a reaction to the punch coming can prevent the impact. They miss. Sigh.
Dance moves. Dance moves. That is going to be my repeated line for a while. Reminds me that this is all for a reason.
God is cool, though, and I am only beginning to understand the blessing and grace he has given me in these training periods.
Learning to dance, getting beat up, and loving the lessons...ahem.
--MovingGirl
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